So I maybe ‘friends with the monster that’s under my bed’ and ‘get along with the voices inside of my head’ like the Eminem song but as far as having actually friends in my life, I realized last night I really have none.
Lets rewind to last year right before June. My family was starting to recover from the rough year before and an even rougher new year but my husband and I were still looking forward to celebrating 14 years of marriage. Then my husband mentioned the idea we’ve always had of us having a vow renewal ceremony. I thought it was a great idea since I never really liked our shot gun wedding and more importantly I thought with all the obstacles we overcame especially recently, it was worth the celebration. So I told him I would like something small in our backyard next year for our 15th anniversary so I’d have more time to plan and he agreed. Soon after we started coming up with a theme (rustic), some dress ideas (even narrowed it down to two) and even bought a few things (mason jars, candles, burlap, cowboy boots, etc) with the help of my Pinterest board but then the holidays rolled in and we put all our planning to the back burner.
Now fast forward to last Sunday afternoon. I was talking to my twin sister and she asked if we were still having our renewal this June as planned and I told her I wasn’t even sure if we were still doing it. After thinking about her question that night, I woke up yesterday and decided to revisit my board and began the planning process again with renewed excitement (no pun intended). Then my husband came home from work last night and we started talking about it but then the awful truth hit me like a ton of bricks. We really didn’t have anyone to invite besides his parents, our kids and two of his friends. I don’t even have a group of girlfriends or even a best friend that would come. I do have a few people I keep in contact with via Facebook but they all live far away and I haven’t seen them for several years so are they really friends or more like acquaintances? Probably the latter.
So the question is why don’t I have any real friends? You know the ones you call all the time to chit chat and/or you go see often to catch up. See I’m good at making friends easily but keeping them is another story. They usually like to be around when things are going great but when you start going through a storm, they’re no where to be found. I do own most of the blame though thanks to my cognitive distortions and also being burned by so many frenemies to even count so my walls are already up but if you’re able to get past all that, I become the most loyal person you’ll ever meet. Unfortunately that’s when they usually start treating me like crap. All of a sudden, the get-togethers abruptly stop, they stop replying to all my texts or phone calls and/or only contact me when they want or need something, which causes my walls to come back up again.
With all that being said, today I finally made my peace with having a no friends zone life. I know it might be sad to some but I actually don’t really need friends because I have my family, which is more than I can ever ask for. Besides I’m in a good place now and its not worth the hassle. As far as my wedding renewal, I think we’ll just have a small dinner with just the family, which is fine by me.